Destination ... ?

The world is so massive, and we are so small!
There is so much to see, do, and experience... Can anyone ever say they are truly satisfied with how much they've managed to accomplish in their short time on this planet?

I can't imagine ever saying "yep, I'm done. Seen everything and done everything on my so call bucket list", it just feels like there's always something else out there to be discovered, not for the first time ever, but for the first time personally.

I guess the thing I struggle with, and I imagine the vast majority feel this way at some point in their life, is that we are so restricted in getting to experience all that's out there. What's more frustrating is that these restrictions are mainly being imposed by man-made variables. The only natural restriction in my opinion is time. The rest, be they money, religion, culture, war, etc. have been dreamed up by society over many hundreds of years.

It just seems unfair that nature has given humanity this amazing world to explore, and chosen us as the ones to be able to comprehend and appreciate it all, and yet only a small portion of people could ever say that they've had ever opportunity to do as they wish.

Basically what I'm saying is screw work and screw needing money! I want to take off on adventures and never have to worry about stopping and earning cash to keep living!

Targets

Sometimes it just hits you out of nowhere.

One minute, you're feeling okay, focused on other things, and then the next minute...

BAM.

It hits you like a tonne of bricks, as you realise you are far from okay. It all comes flooding back - everything that is never going to happen again. They come in the form of all the good things that have happened, but instead of giving you a warm, fuzzy memory, they hit you square in the chest and feel like a vice squeezing tighter around your heart as you understand what's been lost, potentially forever.

When does the yearning end? At what point do you stop wanting your life to go back to the way it was? Will you ever be able to fully accept your fate in this situation? It feels like the longing to go back will never, ever leave. Outsiders say there are better things ahead, they say everything happens for a reason and you're better off ... what do they know? No one else can understand the hurt and pain you feel, the hope you'll never let go of, and the terrifying reality of what's to come.

And the only person you want to talk about it all with, is the one person you can't.

Doesn't it all just make you want to throw something heavy at something very fragile?

Dreaming with a broken heart

I wonder if I should rename this page to a different John Mayer song... Seems more appropriate at the moment, especially after the last few nights! Guess it doesn't matter when nobody reads it...

Unexplainable

Never thought I'd be lied to or cheated on by the one person I loved.

It fucking hurts.

Torture

It already feels like it's been too long.
This sucks the big one.

I miss us.

Circles

Is this what life is always like? The same pattern repeating over and over again? You think that as soon as you figure out one thing, all will be well, but it just so happens that something else to figure out comes in to take it's place.

What I'm talking about is hard to explain and even harder to avoid.

I'm talking about thoughts.

I'm now assuming that everyone has the same general fantasies about life. Something along the lines of "everything will be better in the future" or "I'll be happy when... (insert purchased object/life goal here)"

Sure, in the future, the thoughts you had before might be gone, but in their place are new thoughts about a different situation, and they wont go away until the situation changes again and then new ones will take their place.

Take right now, for example. Or rather, 4 months ago. Back then I was always worried about getting a job. 'Things will be better when I have a proper job', I thought. And then I got a job. And now there are new thoughts and worries to replace the old ones. Sure it's nice not to have to worry about finding a job, but that brain space has now been freed up to obsess over other things. Should I try to get this rental house? When should I go inspect it? Or should I resign myself to living in staff accommodation and paying double what i should be for rent? Will I regret not getting a place that boyfriend and family can stay at? Would it be too hard to live off mountain?

These are my thoughts now. And funnily enough, I'm still entertaining the same old fantasy: 'it'll all be better/easier when I live back in Melbourne again'.

I just don't think we learn. Or maybe we need to always be so optimistic about the future, no matter how many times it proves us wrong, because otherwise what is the point of change? I suppose life would be pretty dull if you knew the future isn't always going to be as easy as you make it out to be in your head.

But that's the fantasy, isn't it. And we all need a little fantasy every now and then.

30 Day Photo Challenge: Day 5

Day Five: A picture of your favourite memory.

This is going to be a tough one...

Maybe not this exact point, but the whole time surrounding it is a pretty great memory :)